My Dilemmas

I am by no means an overly complicated man.

I like fine wines, crisp brandies, good clothes, education, love my family and am a very good friend. I do my best in everything I put my hand to, and I like to research, so whatever I do not know about I will make sure I at least have a basic understanding of, because KNOWLEDGE = POWER and that's an important equivalence to live by.

I do face my fair share of dilemmas like everybody else and like the majority of men,the common dilemma is women.
Women on my mind 24/7 all day everyday, and they seem to weed their way into my head as if they have a back door key.

I'm not an explicit man.
This can be a hindrance as I cannot openly express my feelings without a few glasses of wine/brandy and good company. So when I get put in an awkward situation it somewhat stifles my emotions and primarily focuses on fear. More on that later.

So, women.

I do not know what they have over me which makes me act in such a way that is so out of character. I wake up, they are on my mind. Throughout the day, I constantly imagine what these two particular women are doing and so decide  in which way is an appropriate medium of communication.

Phone? - I never like the idea of bothering people whilst they continue on with their lives, to be spoiled by my phone call. Although, I do like the idea of calling changing their lives hearing the smile through the phone. Only a hard hearted fool could say that that was not uplifting.

Text? - Yes, my favourite! It's simple, it's straight forward, it's easy...it's gone and you cannot retrieve it back once you realise what you have sent sounds corny EVEN IF you spent ten minutes using appropriate style and checking grammar before you send. (i.e not too formal, not too slangy)

Twitter? - Well, this is my favourite medium, as it incorporates loads of important factors. Such as, the 140 character limit, the hashtags, the retweet function etc. It's amazing. Far more intellectual than facebook I have to say...

So, the two women. I shall refer to one as Diane and the other as Lisa.

Let's begin with Diane.

Diane is everything I could ever ask for in a woman. She is intelligent, she is ambitious, she is God-fearing, family oriented and has a sophisticated beautiful aura which encompasses her every being. Her dress sense, her walk, her speech and her mannerisms all wreak of a life I would fit right into.
We connect on an intellectual level and spiritual level yet this is where the dilemma presents itself.

The Friendzone... 

People would say that I am slow to get to know, but I would say that I am cautious. I don't know if i'm going to like you or hate you, and I sure as hell will not divulge a load of information to you upon meeting you for the first time. - no, it just will not happen. I am aware that I can come across lofty and aloof to alot of people, probably even the mysterious black man in the corner, but all I am doing is observing. Observing how they communicate with MY friends in a social environment. So when I do meet certain women, I get put straight in the friendzone because I am not an explicit man.

It's not in my nature to flirt for fun, so when I do flirt I mean business. When this eventually happens, it's too late because in these women's minds I have not made any visible advances and thus, need to be rightly placed in their complicated little lives.

Diane is different. She constantly throws hints and retracts. She constantly glimpses and looks away as if I was seeing nothing. We laugh on cue, we are definitely on the same wavelength and it all just seems perfect...so why not just tell her? Because, what if I get it wrong? What if there were no signs, just me confusing myself and misinterpreting her body language to such a degree that I have deluded myself into thinking they were signs.

Last night, she dropped me home and the conversation was intense and the good bye hug lingered, but there was a sort of urgency in the air which screamed "LEAVE THE CAR!" So, foolishly, I obeyed and left the car, watching it drive off and turn the corner to her destination. How did I want that car journey to go? I wanted to hold the hug for longer, then sweep in with a strong gesture and make her know that I MEANT business. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?

So that's Diane.

Lisa.

Lisa is an enigma to me. It seems that God put her in my way in order for me to confuse myself over Diane but also to try out the ocean of women out there. I have gotten with some drunken pretty women in clubs etc and for a while that is all I thought I would get, until Lisa came out of the blue.

Lisa, again my type. Ambitious, educated, has a plan, God fearing and family oriented.
She just came to me out of the blue, and we seemed to hit it off straight away. And, I believe that if it wasn't for forthcoming situations (i.e my year abroad) we would probably be together at this very moment, and the post i'm writing would have been completely different.

We speak through the third medium I mentioned, and have had various text and phone calls, but this time, I keep her at bay enough to know that I will never get put into her friend zone, and try my best to always be in that anonymous zone.

I do like her. We connect over music, our faith, our culture and our language love.

My only concern is that we live eons apart and have no mutual friends - which is big, because I can source information from them, and also have them there to ease the awkwardness.
I'm not sure whether we are in tune, but for now I can make her laugh and we do kind of share the same humour. Mine is dry, her's is sarcastic so that works when bantering but I still feel apprehensive.

This is my dilemma.

Do I want either as friends? Because to go with one means sacrificing the other, and they are both my type and if two timing were accepted in society I would attempt - i'm not going to do that, because I am not the one to be caught in a cross fire - but then if it went wrong, that would mean losing them both.

I have prayed so hard for an answer, I shall wait. In the meantime, I will do what I do best. Think about it.